Django Unchained: The Most White Guilt Since Wreck-It Ralph

Yes, this movie came out a week ago. I didn't see it until last night. I was BUSY. And it's not like anyone pays me to do this. It's all part of my new mantra, "I'll talk about it when I get around to it." So that's that. Here's this.

Django Unchained is freaking brilliant. Go see it. Just sprint from your home to the theater, throw ten American dollars and fifty cents at the ticket window, and run inside. Ten points for each child shoved down. Because YOLO.

I guess some people just aren't as competitive as others. Now laugh at his failure.

Now for explanation stuff.

For those of you who don't read or hear things, Django tells the tale of a freed-slave-turned-bounty-hunter named after the title, because I assume he heard it and thought silent d's were bitchin'. Christoph Waltz's Schultz, a skilled bounty hunter but an inept dentist, buys Django's freedom (with BULLETS) since Django knows about Schultz's current targets. In killing these dudes, we learn that Django is pretty good at this whole "murdering people for cash" deal; so he trains, becomes the very best like no one ever was, and begins the mission to rescue his wife from a plantation owner named Candie (Leonardo DiCaprio). Racial slurs, macabre action, and family fun for everyone ensues.

This revenge story is well-crafted and appropriately paced; although it clocks out at just under three hours, Django never drags its feet. And for a film centered around slavery, it's incredibly clever and surprisingly funny, resulting in a scene with one of the biggest "I want to laugh, but I don't know if I'm allowed to" feelings I've ever experienced. Furthermore, the Tarantino presentation we've come to know and love is firing on all cylinders. The film is weird, crass, and brutal, and you'll love that. Only he could throw a Rick Ross song into a Western-style gunfight and not have it feel out of place.

Each actor gives an impeccable performance. After his superb villain in Inglourious Basterds, it's refreshing to see Waltz as the lovable but not-to-be-toyed-with mentor. DiCaprio's Candie is eccentric and despicable, but he never comes across as campy or cartoony. The biggest star is obviously and deservedly Foxx as the titular role. He stays quiet and reserved for the most part; but once the blood spills, the gloves come off and Django lets loose.

And good Lord, does the blood spill. This film is not for the faint of heart. Apart from the blood that literally paints the walls during the shootouts, Django gives an unflinching stare to the sins of the American slave trade. However, that probably won't deter you. The three separate families with young children in my theater were evidence enough that whippings, human branding, and torture weren't enough to make them spring for a sitter.

In conclusion, Django Unchained offers just enough of Jamie Foxx's taint to keep you satiated until he returns to the screen in Amazing Spider-Man 2.

What did you guys think of the movie? Leave some comments below to let me know, if anything, that someone is reading this.