Our Abusive Relationships with Games

To my roommate Michael,

What happened? You haven't been the same since she came into your life. You used to be so carefree and easygoing; now you're as on-edge as ever, just waiting at her beck and call. I can see it. The more time you spend with her, the more I see hope and joy leave your eyes.

It's sad. I wish she could bring us back the old you.

***

I'm sorry you had to see that, but it needed to be said. For the past few days, my roommate has been stuck in a relationship - one that would confuse most, but entice others. It's a destructive and abusive relationship with a certain woman. Her name? Lightning...something.

McQueen?

Yes, you read that correctly: My roommate is in an abusive relationship with Lightning Returns: Final Fantasy XIII. Now, before we hurt ourselves contemplating the absurdity of this game's title, or even the fact that it's the third installment in a series branching off from the thirteenth installment in a series, allow me to explain myself.

He recently began the game, and he's only come up for air a couple times. Normally, I'd say "All the power to him," if it was for a game with an engaging story, furious action or any other addictive qualities. However, from what I've seen (lord knows he won't let anyone else play it), LR:FFXIII is not one of those games. What I have seen is this: You play as Lightning, an android who's discovered that she's pretty much Jesus (in that you work for God - yes, the characters refer to him as God, capital "G"), and you're tasked with saving people's souls before the end of days hits (if I use too many italics, understand that it represents how ridiculous this thing is).

Other than the combat, the game appears to be a total mess (again, appears - I haven't been able to try it myself). Walls of text constantly appear as tutorials for new mechanics. Much of the time playing is spent customizing Lightning with clothes designed in the mindset of, "How little material can we put on her before it physically falls off?" My biggest issue is that the game lets you play so little, because it's more interested in shoving its clumsily told story in your face. To put it bluntly, I sunk a decent amount of time into the first Final Fantasy XIII (read that statement again if you need to), and I have absolutely no idea what's happening in the new one.

I'm all for complex stories. One of my favorite comic series will always be Geoff Johns' run on Green Lantern. In a time where other series would generally try to be accessible to new readers, GL thrived on backstory and an expanded universe. This worked because new elements were introduced gradually and given time to find their footing. In LR:FFXIII, exposition is constantly being dumped on other exposition, and nothing feels organic or cohesive.

And yet, despite all these flaws (or outright problems), my roommate can't get enough. In fact, he'll yell at you if you hint at any possible flaws in the game. So, if we want to connect our relationships with games to our relationships with other people, where does he fall on the spectrum? Candy Crush Saga is the hit-it-and-quit-it fling. Grand Theft Auto V is the bad boy with the really big...game map. Gone Home is the under-appreciated artsy person. I'd say that Lightning Returns: Final Fantasy XIII is the abusive, Chris Brown relationship*. Even though it isn't good for him, my roommate always finds a reason to come back. Because my roommate is actually Rihanna.

And someone always ends up regretfully watching Battle of the Year.

Much of this isn't that different from today's release of South Park: The Stick of Truth. The reviews have been quite positive, actually, saying that the humor is on point with the show and that the gameplay can be pretty fun. However, a few of them (Kotaku's and Rev3Games' reviews in particular) described major technical problems, glitches, and even game-breaking bugs.

How did commenters react? Not well. It seemed that at any hint of this much anticipated game (I've certainly been looking forward to it) not being completely amazing, the pitchforks and torches would come out. So many people were ready and willing to defend this game that had just barely released (I can only assume most of them had yet to play it when they posted) that they were willing to get pretty nasty toward any negative speech.

Where does this leave us? Why do many of us act as the sworn protectors of games that clearly aren't as sterling on paper as they are in our minds? I honestly don't know. Perhaps we have some sense of loyalty to a franchise, like Final Fantasy and South Park. Those characters and stories have been good to us in the past, so we feel like we need to reciprocate.

Or, you know, maybe it's just Stockholm Syndrome.

Have you ever been stuck in an abusive relationship with a game? What was it? Why do you think we're so defensive of games (or other media) that just aren't very good? Or am I just full of crap? Please let me know in the comments! I'm really interested what you guys have to say on the subject.

[*No, domestic abuse isn't funny. However, this analogy seemed to work pretty well. Besides, Rihanna's with that guy from Degrassi now, so I'm sure it's cool to say whatever. Don't take anything I say too personally.]

The GTA V Q&A CTMTS

You're probably wondering where I've been the past few months. You've probably wondered if I've been brutally murdered after finding myself in debt to the Underground Ostrich Racing League (UORL). I have. I'm writing this from another plane of existence.

But we have more pressing matters to discuss. Grand Theft Auto V was released about a month ago, and, naturally, one would think a guy who writes about prevalent pop culture odds and ends would have a few words to say. And I do, now that I've actually finished the main campaign and can talk from a place other than my butt. Although, admittedly, it's a nice butt - just misinformed in a few areas. Since I, the writer, and you, the reader, lead very busy lives, I don't have time to carefully construct an in-depth article about GTA V, the game. Instead, here's a quick blow-by-blow question-and-answer setup with several queries I see often asked about the game along with my responses. So basically, heres a page of me talking to myself - kinda like Garfield without the Garfield. Oh yeah, there's spoilers, too.

It's the saddest thing you'll read without "Nicholas Sparks" in the byline.

I'm poor/stupid and haven't picked up the game yet. Should I?

Yes. GTA V is one of the most fun games I've ever played. It takes the immersive world of GTA IV and removes all the grittiness that took the joy out of that game. Missions range anywhere from assassinating a CEO to flying a biplane into another larger plane and then jumping out of that plane. I might be underselling it, but this game is mad creative. The world of Los Santos alone is worth the price of admission. It's about a 10 minute plane ride from one side of the map to the other - that's really freaking big if you're confused. And it's so crammed with secrets and side-missions that you could easily spend a day exploring.

Is GTA V misogynistic?

Absolutely. The series continues to feature male protagonists while presenting the only female characters as idiots or prostitutes. And the only serious woman in the game gets killed - in spectacular fashion, might I add. While I continue to play and see unimportant female characters, I also get the idea that the lovely designers at Rockstar don't really have an interest in adding more women. The world seems content with its depiction of each sex.

Did the torture mission go too far?

Yes, there's a mission that requires you to torture a man for information. No, it's not fun in anyway. And if I'm being honest, I don't think it really worked, even in the game's context. GTA V attempts to make a statement about torture as the mission wraps up, trying to say how torture doesn't work and it's only for the empowerment of the torturer. Nevertheless, it still puts the subject in mini-game form, and everything ends up as a really mixed message. The whole event seemed like a misfire to me.

Should Grand Theft Auto V win Game of the Year?

At this point, I don't really care about game of the year awards. For a long time, GOTY was won by whichever title had the most explosions or the badassiest characters. Now, that's all gone out the window. The Walking Dead threw a wrench into the whole operation by winning a number of GOTY awards and by being a point-and-click downloadable adventure game. This let me realize that there's no point into throwing such different titles together into one pool and deciding which one is objectively the best.

But if you had to ask me, I'd still go with BioShock Infinite for game of the year. Yeah, remember that one from way back in March? It's still in my head for having one of the best stories in gaming, told in a way only games could. And the actual gameplay of it isn't anything to sneeze at. I found myself several times having to take a moment to catch my breath after the big set piece battles. Most of that's from being overweight, but a good portion was caused by the sheer fun of the game. Lastly, Infinite did something GTA V never could - feel things. Like emotional things.

[SPOILER] It made Booker feel questionable things.

So there's a few of my thoughts on one of the biggest games to ever be released. Until the next undetermined time, stay classy, friends.

The man who killed me is named Eddie Thomas. Bring him to justice.